EFFECTIVE SENTENCE:PARALLELISM, NEEDED WORDS, SHIFTS

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Journalistic Writing MCM310

LECTURE 17

EFFECTIVE SENTENCE

ISSUE 1: UNITY:

Rule: For unity, let your sentence express one main thought with less important thoughts clearly subordinate

to the principle idea.

Weak: Mr. Norris is a well known economist, and she will speak at the October meeting.

Better: Mr. Norris, a well known economist, will speak at the October meeting.

Weak: More people than ever before will be attending this conference and we suggest that you make your

reservations now.

Better: Since more people than ever before will be attending this conference, we suggest that you make

your reservations now.

ISSUE 2: COHERENCE

Rule: When a sentence has coherence, the parts of the sentence fit together in proper relationships so that

there can be no misunderstanding about the intending meanings. To achieve coherence place all modifying

adjectives, adverbs, appositives and prepositional phrases near the words they should modify.

He showed me several wool turtleneck men's sweaters. (Men's wool turtleneck sweaters)

Our team didn't even score once. (Even once)

The robber was described as a six foot tall man with a mustache weighing 150 pounds. (150 pounds six foot

tall man with a mustache.)

When watching a classic film such as Gone with the Wind, commercials are especially irritating. (Dangling

modifiers)

(I find commercials ...) OR (When I am watching ...)

(When the driver opened) Opening the window to let out a huge bumblebee, the car accidentally swerved into

an oncoming car. (Dangling modifiers)

Better: When the driver opened the window to let out a huge bumblebee, the car accidentally swerved into an

oncoming car.

Patients should try to if possible avoid going up and down stairs. (Split infinitive)

Football in America is different from the rest of the world. (Illogical comparison)

Better: Football in America is different from that of the rest of the world.

Private vehicles provide independent transport, freedom and many jobs and they cause pollution, traffic jams,

noise and death. (Illogical connecting)

Private vehicles provide independent transport, freedom and many jobs; however, they cause pollution, traffic

jams, noise and death. (Illogical connecting)

Journalistic Writing MCM310

ISSUE 3: EMPHASIS

Rule: Since the most emphatic positions in a sentence are the beginning and the ending, the less important

information obviously should be positioned in the middle.

· Starting with `there', `here', `it' weakens the sentence by delaying the naming of the sentence.

Passives also weaken the sentence by shifting the focus on the action and not on the actor.

Before: The airplane reached the speed of sound and it was difficult to control it.

After: As it reached the speed of sound, the airplane was difficult to control.

After: The airplane, when reached the speed of sound, was difficult to control it.

There are several projects that we must finish within this week.

After: Several projects ...

The editor was sent the copy of the letter by the chief editor. (Passive)

After: The chief editor sent the copy of the letter to the editor.

ISSUE 4: PARALLELISM

E1-a

Balance parallel ideas linked with coordinating conjunctions such as and, but, and or.

Theft vandalism and cheating can result in suspension or even being expelled (expulsion)

from school.

David is responsible for stocking merchandise, all in store repairs, writing orders for

delivery, and sales (selling) of computers.

E1-b

Balance parallel ideas linked with correlative conjunctions such as either ... or

The shutters were not only too long also (but also) were too wide.

I was advised either to change my flight or take (to take) the train.

Balance comparisons linked with than or as.

It is easier to speak in abstractions than grounding (to ground) one's thoughts in reality.

Mother could not persuade me that giving is as much a joy as to receive. (receiving)

ISSUE 5 NEEDED WORDS

E2-a

Add words needed to complete compound structures

Some of the regulars are acquaintances whom we see at work or (who) live in our community

I never have (accepted) and never will accept at bribe

E2-b

Add the word that If there is any danger of misreading wrought it.

As Joe began to prepare dinner, he discovered (that) the oven wasn't working properly.

E2-c

Add words needed to make comparisons logical and complete.

Agnes had an attention span longer than her (that of her) sisters.

Henry preferred the restaurants in Pittsburg to Philadelphia.

Chicago is larger than any (other) city in Illinois.

ISSUE 6: SHIFTS

The point of view of a peace of writing is the perspective from which it is written: 1st, 2nd or 3rd person.

One week our class met in a junkyard to practice rescuing a victim trapped in a wrecked car.

We learned to dismantle the car with the essential tools.

You were graded on your speed and your skill in extricating the victim.

Everyone should purchase a lift ticket unless you plan to spend most of your time walking crawling up

a steep hill. (Correct: You should purchase ...)

A police officer is often criticized for always being there when they aren't needed and never being

there are. (Correct: Police officers are ...)

Journalistic Writing MCM310

My hopes rise and fall as Joseph's heart started and stopped.

The doctors insert a large tube into his chest, and blood flows from the incision onto the floor. The

tube drained some blood from his lung, but it was all in vain.

E4-b

Maintain consistent verb tenses.

My hopes rise (rose) and fall (fell) as Joseph's heart started and stopped. The doctors insert (-ed) a

large tube into his chest, and blood flows (-ed) from the incision onto the floor. The tube drained

some blood from his lung, but it was all in vain. (Tense Shift)

E4-c

Make verbs consistent in mood and voice

The officers advised against allowing access to our homes without proper identification. Also, (They

also suggested that we) alert neighbors to vacation schedules.

E4-d

Avoid sudden shifts from indirect to direct questions or quotations.

I wonder whether the sister knew of the murder, and if so did (whether she reported) she reports it to

the police.

Mother said that she would be late for dinner and (asked me not to) please do not leave for choir

practice until Dad comes home.

Source: Hacker, Dianna. `A Writer's Reference' Boston: St. Martin's Press. 1992.

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